Dear Aunty Lisa
I am 27 and I just lost the woman I loved so much because of my frustrations and failure to control my anger. I had a bad day at work last week and I smashed a glass of wine in my girlfriend’s presents when she asked me how my day was. She told me I overreacted and I may smash our baby if we were to get married one day. She is really someone I love and wish to get back with. I always lose my temper and I don’t blame her for dumping me. But now how do l get her back and how best can l contain my anger? – Terrence
Dear Terrence
We all get mad and angry some times and it is important that we express it, rather than bottling it up inside. We need to let those who made us angry know they have made us so. But how we respond is very important. We do all need to contain our anger and learn to manage it, and express it in a way that is appropriate and without violence.
This will vary from person to person and there are some good books on anger management available – I suggest you try to find one. Some people find that the best way to manage anger is to avoid talking about things that make you angry until you know you have come to terms with them and moved on. You could have told your girlfriend that you would rather not talk about what happened and tell her some other time when you are not so mad. Others go for a walk or do some other physical activity to release the pressure. Others find talking helpful. One tried-and-tested strategy is to force yourself to breathe evenly while counting slowly from 1 – 20.
But what’s done is done. What you need to do now is damage control. I believe you can still win your woman back. You just need to show her you have changed, promise her you will continue like that and stand by your promise.
As much as I said people need to express their anger, they cannot lash out at every person or thing that makes them angry. Bad days at work will not end with that day alone. So, if you cannot manage your anger you will find yourself venting your anger on her each time you come home. – Aunty Lisa
Too busy to talk
Dear Aunty Lisa
I read your column every week and I have noticed how you value communication in relationships. My wife and I are always too busy for each other these days. Whenever she comes home she usually brings work with her, so either she is online with her computer or buried in some documents. We hardly talk anymore. With the social mediums like Whatsapp and Facebook our kids hardly talk to us or one another either. Everyone is literally buried in their gadgets. Will this destroy my family and how can I fix it? – George K
Dear George K
This is really a serious problem in this modern world of ours. Lack of communication is not good in families. The cruel thing about not communicating is that it causes couples to move apart, even though they may be a perfect match. It is good for couples to share dreams and to spend time talking to one another about all sorts of things. When that lacks there is a possibility of them drifting apart and pushing the relationship to the verge of divorce.
There have been several debates on the negative side of internet and technology. I personally consider the breakdown in family ties as a result of the evolving technology. It is important to make a conscious effort to dedicate time to family. Call it family time or whatever. But you need to make sure that you are all doing something together. You may need to be firm about it. Confiscate your kids’ gadgets (and your wife’s!) if you have to. What is important is for you guys to socialize, communicate, and know one another as a family.
Find a time to talk to your busy wife about this and make sure you have her on your side in this decision. Your approach to her about the whole story is important. You don’t want to sound as if you are blaming her for the breakdown of communication – even though you feel that might be the case. She will start being defensive and it may result in an unnecessary fight with her, when you need her as your ally. Explain to her your desire to safeguard the family. Acknowledge how important her work is and how at the same time your family should come first. I believe you are a good family man who will make it work. – Aunty Lisa
Hurt by love
Dear Aunty Lisa
I have this woman I have fallen in love with but it appears it is going to be a hard nut to crack convincing her that I am for real. I don’t intend to lie or break her heart in any way but she just won’t believe me. I have tried telling her how I feel about her several times. I have sent her friends to explain where I stand, but I am told she will not accept to be in a relationship with me or any other man for that matter. This is because of how badly she was treated by her previous boyfriend according to her friends. Please help me on how I can show her my love. – Tee Mr Tee
Dear Tee Mr Tee
I understand your situation – and hers too. Sometimes when one is left with a broken heart by someone s/he loves it is difficult to pick up the single piece of that glass heart to mend it. Some pieces may never be recovered because of the way they loved that person.
Broken hearts do heal, but they take time. You are going to have to prove your love by being very patient. Don’t push her. Instead of asking for a relationship through her friends, just come alongside her and be her friend. It is important that you take little baby steps on this because she has a deep wound in her heart that needs to heal first before she can move on. You may be the person to help her find love again and show her it is not all men that are heartless. Make your aim and target to be her friend – over time she will see how genuine and loving you are and things may pick up from there. – Aunty Lisa
Post published in: Lifestyle